Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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