I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
