Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
