Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
