Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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