I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
