I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize