he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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