I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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