were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
