We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Randomize
