and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
