did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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