Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
