shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
