I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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