I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
