Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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