remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
