i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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