I have demons in me.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
