You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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