Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You've changed since you got that strap on
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
