the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
