Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
