So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It was like giving head to a cactus.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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