no, he came in my armpit
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize