I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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