we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
