You really coming over, don't trick.
I just found a bag of teeth...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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