I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
