Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I am never drinking with the goths again.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
