my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Found your dick twin last night
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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