trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
