If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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