my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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