Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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