Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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