I wish my penis had an off switch
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
