I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
