Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
