i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
