I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
