I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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