are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
