I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
