just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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