Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
