If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
