If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
