One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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