the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize