3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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