I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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