Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
