Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
