I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
