somebody snuck up and got me drunk
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i drank out of a bidet.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
