Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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