My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
