my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
