she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
