we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
