I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
