just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
