quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize